No, it tickled. Needles poking through my skin more times than you can imagine felt like feathers. Of course it hurt. Don’t be stupid. As a side note: yes, some places hurt more than others but hearing someone else say, “Ooh no, it didn’t hurt at all!” makes me want to hurt people. I’m sure you were crying like a baby when you got your kanji tattoo, and it probably doesn’t mean what you think it does.

How much did it cost?

Money is a sensitive subject that is best left alone in conversation. Asking me how much I spent on something is inappropriate, not to mention rude. Tattoos are expensive. What does it matter how much I spent on a tattoo? If you want to know how much a tattoo will cost, get a price estimate from a tattoo artist. The cost of my tattoos is none of your business.

You know that’s going to last forever, right?

Was that supposed to be enlightening? Was I supposed to yell “FUCK,” start crying, and run off frantically towards my nearest laser removal edifice? No one wants to be told what they obviously already know and no one with a shitty tattoo wants to be reminded of it three hundred times a day. I get it, you’re too much of a pansy to say, “I hate your tattoo.” This would be the right time for you to properly fuck off.

Your tattoo is so awesome! …What is it?

While I don’t understand half the shit that comes out of peoples’ mouths, I can’t wrap my head around this. Why would you say something is great before knowing what it even IS? A good rule of thumb: do not ask if a portrait tattoo is this person or that person. You are probably wrong. You will embarrass yourself and most likely offend someone.

I LOVE your tattoo. I’m totally going to get that!

Excuse me but… WHAT? Yeah, this actually happens. No one wants to hear, “I’m going to get the same tattoo”–no matter how common the design might be. In fact, I take no responsibility for my actions once the words leave your lips. People have actually come right out and told me that they’ve copied my huge custom floral side-piece. When I respond with a less than friendly attitude, I get called self-centered and hypocritical (and almost always by someone who has never been tattooed). You know that thing called “plagiarism” that everyone hates? That thing that people do when they’re too lazy to put effort into something important? That thing that results in students either failing or being expelled?

People copy tattoo designs for the same reasons, and generally suffer the same results. Being lazy and uncreative will only yield failure and a distaste for the offender. Getting a tattoo because it looked cool in a picture of someone else makes you the exact opposite of “cool.” I don’t care if you go out and get something similar, but don’t fucking tell me that you jacked my design in its entirety because you thought it was “cool”. I will not applaud you–I will publicly humiliate you in posts like this.

If you don’t want people to steal your tattoos, why do you show them?

Brilliant question. So… any person with visible tattoos is now expected to wear long-sleeved turtlenecks and pants at all times? If I don’t, I obviously want people to copy my tattoo designs.

I like my tattoos, and I’m not going to hide any of them because I’m afraid people are going to copy them. People shouldn’t be copying them in the first place. Nice try, with your “blame the victim” game plan. You still lose.

You’re going to regret that when you’re 80.

Do not tell me what I will and will not regret when I’m old. When I’m 80, I’m probably going to have bigger things to worry about than what my tattoos look like. Why would you assume I’d regret it? I’m going to look like the most bad-ass grandparent ever. I’m not going to be galavanting around in my underwear or bikinis on the regular, either. So why don’t you stick to worrying about what you’re going to look like when you’re 80: old AND boring.

Now, of course there are a ton of other things that people say that bring the words “socially retarded” to a whole new level. That being the case, I strongly encourage everyone to comment with some of the more unbelievable tattoo remarks and ridiculous questions people have asked you – mainly to give the rest of us more material to laugh at.

–Guest blog & photos by Lauren Peralta

**We’re looking for quality guest blogs from tattooers & enthusiasts–shoot us an email.